the diary of plain old jay

x marked the spot

2010-05-31T22:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

It's been a while since my last depressing post and now I am here to report that all is fine and well already.

Gone were my lonely days.

I have found the place I belong.

And now I am at peace.

Happy and blessed, what a change from before!

And perhaps, maybe, there might be a chance,

although very uncertain and very small but surely,

something is beginning.

A small bud in my heart, awaiting the day of bloom.

A bud that might morph into the most beautiful feeling in all hearts.

I am glad because for now, the thorns aren't ripe yet...

But we'll see, won't we?

-xoxo

Yours Sincerely,

Jay

YES I CAN

2010-04-03T00:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

It's another new beginning. Let us keep trying. Even if we may fail as many times as we may try, as long as we don't give up and keep trying, one day, we shall be reborn!

A new life awaits! I shall continue to pray for the blessings. I shall continue to pray for a steel determination and the strength to persevere. Believe in oneself and one will succeed.

A leap of faith, let's take it together.

-xoxo
Yours Sincerely,
Jay

SIGH

2010-02-27T22:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Who is my friend, who is my foe? I wish I knew the answers. When I'm surrounded by people, loneliness hits me with its worst.

Where do I truly belong? Does anybody want me or accept me? Where can I turn for shelter and love?

There are so many mysteries in this world and mine included. I keep searching for the answers but I keep getting lost.

Suspicion is a deep mist that swells increasingly - drowning and blinding me. I put both my hands up in front of me but I can't see them no more. Will my next step take me down a cliff?

Only silence greets my questions and then, I am lost once more. Falling is a horrendous feeling. It feels like getting sucked into a whirlpool with no end, and I am only left anticipating the sound of my heartbreak when I hit rock bottom.

Yours Sincerely,
Jay.

SCREAMS.

2010-01-08T05:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Today, I finally let myself out of the house and ended my isolation/hibernation/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. Went to Binbin's house with Kahmin first before heading to Kbox. After a very very long time, I finally see her dog again. I think this should be only my second time seeing ET. To tell the truth, I was kind of freaked out by ET at first because you was totally bark at us through the door. You'd think I wouldn't be scared of aggressive dogs when I have one of my own. Haha, thank goodness ET is not Sora. I personally think Sora is much much much worse. I heard dogs like people who own dogs and they can differentiate. Maybe ET could smell some Sora on me, that's why he kept teasing Kahmin instead :D Whatever the reason, I kinda liked that big fella with all his chortling and gurgling.

After that, we hopped on down to E-hub and I commenced some major screaming sessions. Note: I screamed instead of singing. My singing sounded so wimpy and weak that I couldn't stand it myself so I started screaming. Note to self, do not scream during a K-happy session which lasts for five hours. Conclusion, my throat died.

Just as I was commenting on how my orientation group leader did not contact me, she called me just now =.= Guess it's not only Kahmin's group leader who's efficient. Anyway, my orientation group leader is Comint, a name I failed to notice from the group list. She makes me nervous about school reopening. So... let's run through this again, I'm in group K4 (Kirin/GreenGroup) from Cohort 1. Okay, I fervently wish that I will not forget that like how I forgot school starts on 9 on mondays.

-xoxo
Your's Sincerely,
Jay

The return of school

2010-01-07T02:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

It's a countdown of four more days to my new senior high school life. To tell the truth, I'm feeling all queasy inside right now. There a lot of question marks for this year.

Will I make new friends? Will I patch up broken relationships? Will I do better in my studies? Will I have fun? Will I feel miserable?

To tell the truth, I... feel bad? Feel sorry? What's the right word for this? I don't really know... All the arguing and stuff. After thinking about it, maybe I really am just plain jealous. Because I was too desperate probably. And also because of other people's influence. I'm a bad friend, I guess. Good friends always trust each other and stand by their friends in the worst situations. But I turned my back on her and joined the discrimination, openly fanning the flames and happily watching them devour her.

The truth is... I have no idea why I disliked her so much. Even now I am not totally rekindled to the idea of being friends with her. Maybe I should apologize after all, so that at least I feel better on my account.

I am a selfish bitch after all, aren't I? But at least this time, I give a damn about it.
I don't want to be a selfish bitch.

-xoxo
Your's Sincerely,
Jay

Memories.

2010-01-05T00:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

The Sojourn concert was really wonderful. Watching my seniors and juniors take the stage without me felt a little lonely, but they captivated me.

I remember the times we practiced together. During sectionals, or during full band, we had a lot of memories. Watching the performance made me think back on those times and made me miss this family that I left.

I shall not think that I was wrong to leave this family, but I shall always remember them and love them like I always have.

I don't really know why sophin was crying, but I sincerely wish she's alright now. Cheer up, my ray of light :D

PS: Jay's Random Fact Of The Day -> Did you know that Lolita Fashion can be broken up into 16 types? [ Gothic, Sweet, Casual, Hime, Shiro, Kuro, Classic, Country, Sailor, Wa, Guro, Punk, Ero, Cosplay, Kodona, Aristocrat] :D

-xoxo,
Your's Sincerely,
Jay

Last day of 2009.

2009-12-31T02:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Today is the last day of the year 2009.

There is only one thing that I will remember next year.
My results of the year: 2.53

GPA 2.53

Let this be my strength and reminder. Let this guide me for next year.

-xoxo
Your's Sincerely
Jay

BORED&SCARED

2009-12-30T00:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

BORE. BORING. BORED.

I am currently BORED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND.
It is presently December the 30th. Two days away from a new year. In other words, it's time for the reflections and resolutions for next year.

All right, looking back, I can see that I have effectively screwed my life up with an obsession over: 1) Slacking- This is totally unforgivable because even when I have simply nothing to do or play even, I refuse to do work D:< That's really bad.
2) Anime & Manga & Dramas- This is a little bit more understandable but still unacceptable. Do I really want to screw up my bright future over a few surreal characters? The answer is a huge NO, so let's get on with life.
3) Day-dreaming- This is only acceptable in small doses. Too much dreaming leads to an unrealistic raising of hopes and the inescapable fate of being let down.

So what should be done about these? Let the New Year Resolutions be noted now!
1) Stop slacking. Keep in mind how you failed miserably for your EOY's. Do you want history to repeat yourself? Remember your dreams. You want to be a game designer for squaresoft? You got to work harder then!
2) Manage your darned time better! Only allow yourself animes in small doses. Don't sit in front of the damned computer for more than 2 hours a day and on weekdays, only give yourself 4 hours maximum of computer time.
3) Stop day-dreaming so much and put your ass into it. All talk and no actions lead to nothing. Unless you want your future to be a big fat blank, you should wake up and pull your socks up NOW. Before it's too late.

Note to self: Keep to your resolutions this year. Don't screw up again and only realize it next year. IT'S GOING TO BE TOO FREAKING LATE.

Sheesh, maybe I should type something like this everyday. A daily reminder to not screw up should be the cure for my insufferable disease of slacking.

Here's wishing next year will be a better year. I hope I can get along fine with my new classmates (regardless of the pathetically small number of them). Please make me work hard and stop slacking. Correction, please make me make myself work hard and stop slacking. Mr. Determination, it's your year to shine now.

The truth, I am scared shitless about next year. I wonder if others feel the same. It's the next step of your life, Jay. Don't screw up.

-xoxo
Your's Sincerely,
Jay.

I'M GOING CRAZY.

2009-12-10T21:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Too many days trapped in the house might be bringing out some of the desperation within. Reading cheesy romance novels and watching cute romantic comedies make me feel all squirmy inside now. Why are some people so sure that they will find their true love some day?

Aww, I don't know. I might be going crazy after all.

I'm supposed to be tough, manly and all that. But I guess I am a girl after all (in fact, a rather girly girl). I can't help but dream. But when I try to pull myself back to the ground, I get this sinking feeling. It's as if I have to admit that there wouldn't be a time like that for me. There is no one waiting for me. Which brings me to the question: Why? And after asking myself that question, I just launch into another depression.

Maybe it's because I can think of so many reasons, as to why, myself.

I'm ugly, lazy, stupid, irritating, my voice sounds gay, I'm fat, I can't cook to save my life, I don't like to do housework, I'm messy, dirty, unhealthy, un-sporty, over-emotional, bad-tempered, spoilt, etc...

Wow, that is a very long list.
I guess, I must start training now then. Here's to hoping that I can snap out of depression soon.

-xoxo
Signing off,
Jay

HALT & U-TURN

2009-11-20T01:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,

Back to square one, that's what I decided.

I licked it, tasted it, savoured it then felt the sweetness turn sour then bitter and endured it. Now I think it's finally time to spit it out and brush my teeth, prepare myself for another dish of life. Band is like one of those Super Strong Strepsils that I've been sucking on these days. The first taste is tasteless, then the sweetness spreads, and finally it turns to bitterness. Even though it makes the sore throat less insufferable, the best part is when you finish it or spit it out and gulp down a huge glass of water. The bitter taste is gone and all you feel is that cooling sensation.

That's how I feel now. Relieved of that bitter sensation and feeling free and optimistic. I feel like I can do anything. Maybe I will not be able to find a CCA as good as Band but I think I shall not regret this decision. Every dish has a different taste and we should not prevent ourselves from trying every one of them for the fear of tasting a bad dish. Who knows, I might find something I enjoy even better than performing in a band.

Been there, done that and dying to get out.

I'm sick and tired of all the drama-mama my decision is raking up. I don't want to feel sorry anymore. I don't want to say no anymore. And most importantly, I don't want to play for Sojourn. Please stop making me repeat myself. There's a reason for my disinterest so please just respect my decision.

How I wish I could tell them that. Dunk it right in their faces. But alas, I don't have the heart to do it. I don't want them to hate me, you know? Because my love for them is still there.

I love them, really. But this just cannot go on.

-xoxo
Signing off,
Jay

Promises

2009-10-28T06:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I've decided on one thing: No promises, only actions. For actions are the only ones worth anything and results are the only proof of change. At least, I know my problems.

Ms. Zhong Jingjie is addicted... to slacking.

I admit it and sincerely hope to do something about it, so, God help me!

Anyway, today, is the year fours' only first full band rehearsal. I felt like I died and went to heaven. Okay, correction, I died and went to hell. Throat is still burning with sore throat and that blasted air conditioner was doing what it did best: blasting freezing gusts of air at me. My shoulders hurt too, since there wasn't much rest bars. After many attempts at what Mr. Ng calls Decent-Wind-Band-Playing, my lungs felt like dried raisins, except it probably wasn't sweet and was probably all bloody. I guess that's a problem too. I was supposed to be using my diaphragm. Well, what am I supposed to do when Mr. Diaphragm refuses to cooperate?!

Hello, Diaphragm! Work with me here!

Conclusion: total exhaustion. though probably not worse than after that exhausting Hort Park and campfire adventure :D

-xoxo
Signing off,
Jay

ILLNESS

2009-10-17T18:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

An old friend came visiting on friday, regardless of my obvious dislike for it. It was the bastard, "sore throat". Damn, did I mention how much I hate having sore throats? They are the worst things you can catch, right next to high fever and stomach flu. Because of that, I've been going on a massive water consumption routine these past two days. Phew, thank goodness I'm feeling better now. Better enough to at least come online to blog and go for karaoke ;D That's right, Mama's going singing today with me and sis! Some good old female bonding.

By the way, here's something unbelievable. Yesterday Mummy brought us to New York Skin Care Solutions to check out their promotions. But she actually signed us up for the whole package! Is that crazy or what? I guess it's time for me to say goodbye to acne because I'm finally getting rid of it. I still can't believe mummy actually agreed to sign us up. It was a freaking total of 3300 bucks for the three peeps. My second sister is going to sign up for it later too. I wasn't seriously expecting her to be willing to pay so much.

'3300 bucks is no joke'

So here's thanks to my beloved mummy for investing so much in me. Haha, perhaps now I can fish for a bigger catch to repay her :D

PS: Just kidding! I can't even get a small prawn at this state.

-xoxo
Signing off,
Jay

Bandy Dandy

2009-10-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Today was the first day of band practice in a long long time! Well, it was quite fun hanging out with Benjamin & gang once again. I still felt a little out of place somehow though. Perhaps it is the feeling that my seniors have all been leading separate lives from mine for some time already. It's like I still don't really know them well after so many months of not hanging out together. Well, that is to be expected I think. But with time, we will form new bonds I hope.

It has been a long time since I played in band. Eighty percent of the time, I was either lost in the music or flopping around :X I need to buck up! I feel like practicing tomorrow! Go, Jingjie!

PS: Really don't feel like doing chinese papers tomorrow D: !

-xoxo
Signing off,
Jay

Stuck in a virtual world

2009-10-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

Dear diary,

Yesterday was the girls' singing session :D Totally enjoyed it! Only after Saturday's shopping and yesterday's singing, I can finally feel like I'm back into society. Hey, studying really detaches you from the outside world, okay? It was funny looking at Chelsea and Isabel doze off while we were screaming our heads off. Ah, the screaming was good even though the singing wasn't. That's okay though, you get twice the fun screaming.

Today, I spent all my time from morning to night playing my Sims 3 again. Loved it! I couldn't resist the temptation and finally brought myself to "motherlode" my way through. I renovated the tiny shack into a mansion. I have to say, I am getting better at my architecture skills. Well, I guess it is as they say, practice makes perfect :D I wonder why I love the Sims so much sometimes. Is it because I get to control everything? Is it because I can always reset the game if there was a mistake? Is it because reality just isn't as sweet as the virtual world? I don't know. But what I do know, is that whenever I play the Sims, it feels like I am in a different dimension. I totally forget the time and can totally get into the game. This is essentially a bad thing for me. I don't need another addiction now when I swore that I would change.

Here's to hoping all goes well tomorrow and for the future without addiction to anything virtual. We all need to focus on the reality that really matters.

-xoxo
Signing off,
Jay

Food for thought

2009-10-11T18:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Been thinking a little these days. Can I really change? I don't like the way I am but for so many years all I've been doing is preaching. All talk and no action. That makes me some sort of a hypocrite doesn't it? Saying so much but not meaning anything. Perhaps it is as MS. LIE says, I should have more self-control and self-discipline. But for a person who has been living sixteen years doing anything her way without thought of consequences, how do you expect her to change? It's not easy at all.

But just yesterday, my dad was sharing his experience of quitting smoking. In the end, it all boils down to one thing. It's a battle of your will and determination, which is precisely what I lack. Where can I find this determination that I need?

I don't know how and I don't know when. But I do know that if this goes on, there is only darkness in front and a lot of failing to be expected. Wish me the best of luck.

-xoxo
signing off,
Jay

A new beginning

2009-08-16T22:16:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

Hello, to all!

Was tired of that old blog of mine with a super uncool name "cinamonzdiary".

Like WTH was with that extremely uncute name? I can't believe I liked this kind of name when I was in primary school =.=

Hope that I will be starting to write some matured and intelligent reflections in here. I'm still working on the mature and the intelligence part though.

Okay, nothing to see here. Just me growing up into a more boring part of life.

xoxo-
signing off,
Jay